Today I'm contemplating forgiveness. Mostly because I need to forgive myself for being human--it was a bit of a stressful day for me today and I did a bit of crying (or yelling) over spilled milk-literally. A whole cup full of it. All over the carpet. By a toddler. Now, generally, a normal person would probably think "oh man, that was my fault because a two year old needs a cup with a lid and has no business walking across the room with an open cup." Granted, I was definitely having this thought as I hollered at my child to go sit down at the table and to not get in the way while I clean up the mess, but it was a complete and utter moment of conflict. My thoughts and my knowledge were at exact and even odds. The whole time I was giving my kid a hard time I was fighting myself internally and yet I couldn't seem to overcome my instinct to throw a grown-up fit. I think most moms get it--it's the perfect metaphysical storm.
Since I need to work this out for myself, I might as well document it. I'm using a model that I learned from Jody--CTFAR.(And I may not be doing it exactly as she would, but it's a learning process!)
Circumstance: Toddler spills milk
Thought: this is BAD
Feeling: Stress, overwhelm, irritation
Action: Yell at child, scramble to clean up
Result: ??? A whole lotta bad???
Now, there are some details that go along with this model, but I won't go into those because I'm not sure what the legalities are with sharing it, but you can join Jody's Be Bold Community or check out her podcasts to find out more.
So, my circumstance must be factual -it is. My thought line can only have one thought, despite me having about ten in that moment, but I can analyze each one if I feel the need to-this is the first one I could think of. The feeling needs to be one word and simple, because that's what a feeling is-these are the feelings I experienced. The action is what happens when I feel however it is that I feel. If I had gone with a different feeling, I might have a different action. The result: This is the one I'm having trouble with.
Jody says that the result is "the result of your action and proof for your thought". Wanting to change your result is why you would run this model, or to figure out why you got the result you did. You can even start from the result and go backwards if you are having a hard time laying it all out. (Remember, this model doesn't tell us what the new result should be, but it helps us to figure out why we reached the one we did and then guides us in finding a better one. With that in mind, I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed of my result or my actions or my thoughts. Be honest. These are all over and done with, and now I'm here to try to fix what happened.) At first thought my result is that I spent ten minutes of my life lecturing a toddler who has little to no understanding about why she needs a cup with a lid OR why she is being reprimanded for tripping and spilling her milk in the first place. And all the while this toddler spent about 10 seconds paying attention to me and the other 9 minutes and 50 seconds waiting for a new cup of milk. Was I being irrational? Absolutely. Was I feeling moody and tired and post-PMSy? Absolutely. Is that an excuse? Absolutely NOT. So, I guess my result is that I lost my temper. It's hard to keep the answers simple, but it works best that way so you can see with an objective perspective what happened and how to fix it. (See what we did there? Figured some stuff out...)
Analysis is hard work, folks! But it's part of the work and work is supposed to be hard. In the end, I apologized to my kids and got them both cups of milk with actual lids and made them sit at the table to drink them AFTER I cleaned up the mess and recomposed myself. So here I am, an admitted control freak trying to train her kids up so they can be responsible and somewhat tidy. I'm okay with that and I'm working on it. What I'm not okay with is how I did it in this situation. I will also go ahead and say that it's alright that I'm only on step one of this path to release control over things in my life. I have to be honest with myself about who I am, what my tendencies are, and who I want to become. We all have to start somewhere. I get it, that I cannot control every aspect of every thing. And when you are surrounded by little people all the time (especially as a stay at home mom) being in control is what you know, so it's hard to let that go and allow those little people some autonomy. It takes a lot of practice for someone like me. I have a really great friend who is so good at this. She has been an incredible example to me of how to let go and let kids figure things out on their own and learn from their experiences. When I stop and think of this principle I can't help but think about how much God exemplifies it perfectly. He is the creater of the universe after all, in control and in charge of all things, and yet, He sent each of us here to Earth to allow us to be in charge of our own lives. How profound. Sure, we can always ask for help (He wants us to and we should) and He's there waiting; but how incredible that the God of the Universe released His power over us, for us, to let us have the freedom to ask for help and to make our own choices and decisions about things....AND to let us make mistakes! And then there's forgiveness for those mistakes. It's really remarkable.
Now I want to create a different model just to show myself how things could have been different in this particular situation, how I could have been different.
Circumstance: Toddler spills milk
Thought: oops, how can I learn from this accident?
Feeling: anticipation
Action: work together to clean up the mess and talk about good habits and being helpful
Result: a learning experience for the kids and a realization that they still need lids on their cups
Same circumstance, different result. That's more like it! See? Every situation can be turned around if we let it. If I allow my anxious thoughts that aren't serving me to be positively redirected I can change the result of those previously negative thoughts. With practice, I can prevent my feelings from being negative (and biologically harmful, by the way!) if I am more careful and intentional about how I am thinking. Ultimately, my changes in thoughts and results won't change the way that other people involved feel or see things, but it will change ME and I'm the only person that I can control. A positive reaction on my part can impact others though, so it's important not to discount that possibility.
Each day I have to decide if I'm going to let myself harbor frustration and resentment and anger towards ME for the mistakes that I inevitably make or if I will forgive myself for being human. (It doesn't matter if anyone else harbors those things towards me, by the way, because what other people think says more about them than it does me.) I can choose to be upset by my weaknesses or I can choose to accept them, forgive myself for having them, and strive to make them strengths; there's no timeline for that, it's a process. Even spilled milk can be cleaned up and poured again into a better and more secure cup.
Since I need to work this out for myself, I might as well document it. I'm using a model that I learned from Jody--CTFAR.(And I may not be doing it exactly as she would, but it's a learning process!)
Circumstance: Toddler spills milk
Thought: this is BAD
Feeling: Stress, overwhelm, irritation
Action: Yell at child, scramble to clean up
Result: ??? A whole lotta bad???
Now, there are some details that go along with this model, but I won't go into those because I'm not sure what the legalities are with sharing it, but you can join Jody's Be Bold Community or check out her podcasts to find out more.
So, my circumstance must be factual -it is. My thought line can only have one thought, despite me having about ten in that moment, but I can analyze each one if I feel the need to-this is the first one I could think of. The feeling needs to be one word and simple, because that's what a feeling is-these are the feelings I experienced. The action is what happens when I feel however it is that I feel. If I had gone with a different feeling, I might have a different action. The result: This is the one I'm having trouble with.
Jody says that the result is "the result of your action and proof for your thought". Wanting to change your result is why you would run this model, or to figure out why you got the result you did. You can even start from the result and go backwards if you are having a hard time laying it all out. (Remember, this model doesn't tell us what the new result should be, but it helps us to figure out why we reached the one we did and then guides us in finding a better one. With that in mind, I shouldn't feel guilty or ashamed of my result or my actions or my thoughts. Be honest. These are all over and done with, and now I'm here to try to fix what happened.) At first thought my result is that I spent ten minutes of my life lecturing a toddler who has little to no understanding about why she needs a cup with a lid OR why she is being reprimanded for tripping and spilling her milk in the first place. And all the while this toddler spent about 10 seconds paying attention to me and the other 9 minutes and 50 seconds waiting for a new cup of milk. Was I being irrational? Absolutely. Was I feeling moody and tired and post-PMSy? Absolutely. Is that an excuse? Absolutely NOT. So, I guess my result is that I lost my temper. It's hard to keep the answers simple, but it works best that way so you can see with an objective perspective what happened and how to fix it. (See what we did there? Figured some stuff out...)
Analysis is hard work, folks! But it's part of the work and work is supposed to be hard. In the end, I apologized to my kids and got them both cups of milk with actual lids and made them sit at the table to drink them AFTER I cleaned up the mess and recomposed myself. So here I am, an admitted control freak trying to train her kids up so they can be responsible and somewhat tidy. I'm okay with that and I'm working on it. What I'm not okay with is how I did it in this situation. I will also go ahead and say that it's alright that I'm only on step one of this path to release control over things in my life. I have to be honest with myself about who I am, what my tendencies are, and who I want to become. We all have to start somewhere. I get it, that I cannot control every aspect of every thing. And when you are surrounded by little people all the time (especially as a stay at home mom) being in control is what you know, so it's hard to let that go and allow those little people some autonomy. It takes a lot of practice for someone like me. I have a really great friend who is so good at this. She has been an incredible example to me of how to let go and let kids figure things out on their own and learn from their experiences. When I stop and think of this principle I can't help but think about how much God exemplifies it perfectly. He is the creater of the universe after all, in control and in charge of all things, and yet, He sent each of us here to Earth to allow us to be in charge of our own lives. How profound. Sure, we can always ask for help (He wants us to and we should) and He's there waiting; but how incredible that the God of the Universe released His power over us, for us, to let us have the freedom to ask for help and to make our own choices and decisions about things....AND to let us make mistakes! And then there's forgiveness for those mistakes. It's really remarkable.
Now I want to create a different model just to show myself how things could have been different in this particular situation, how I could have been different.
Circumstance: Toddler spills milk
Thought: oops, how can I learn from this accident?
Feeling: anticipation
Action: work together to clean up the mess and talk about good habits and being helpful
Result: a learning experience for the kids and a realization that they still need lids on their cups
Same circumstance, different result. That's more like it! See? Every situation can be turned around if we let it. If I allow my anxious thoughts that aren't serving me to be positively redirected I can change the result of those previously negative thoughts. With practice, I can prevent my feelings from being negative (and biologically harmful, by the way!) if I am more careful and intentional about how I am thinking. Ultimately, my changes in thoughts and results won't change the way that other people involved feel or see things, but it will change ME and I'm the only person that I can control. A positive reaction on my part can impact others though, so it's important not to discount that possibility.
Each day I have to decide if I'm going to let myself harbor frustration and resentment and anger towards ME for the mistakes that I inevitably make or if I will forgive myself for being human. (It doesn't matter if anyone else harbors those things towards me, by the way, because what other people think says more about them than it does me.) I can choose to be upset by my weaknesses or I can choose to accept them, forgive myself for having them, and strive to make them strengths; there's no timeline for that, it's a process. Even spilled milk can be cleaned up and poured again into a better and more secure cup.
Comments
Post a Comment