I AM NOT A VICTIM OF MOTHERHOOD

Sometimes inspiration comes when you're on your knees in prayer; sometimes it comes as a whisper to your soul, from scripture, or from the words of a kind friend. Other times it flows from the tip of a pen onto a piece of a paper.

That was how it came to me just a couple of weeks ago. As I sat up on a Sunday night planning my personal calendar and my meal plan calendar for the upcoming week, a simple sentence entered my mind and flowed out onto my paper as flowingly as anything could possibly flow:

I am not a victim of motherhood.

That was it. There was nothing overtly flashy about that piece of inspiration. However, I had been entertaining thoughts lately about how I want to focus more on 'Rachael as a mother'--to develop that part of me- for the benefit of my children and myself. 

I have spent the last couple of years fighting to figure out how to just survive and take care of my mental and physical health and well being. I needed to figure out how to heal my body and my mind. I won't dare say that I have succeeded at this, because I feel pretty sure that this is a life-long battle for me. In spite of the challenges and the trial and error that I have endured throughout the journey, one of the greatest discoveries I made this year was the direct impact that sugar (bad) and exercise (very good) have on my body. Now I know without a doubt that what I put into my body is exactly what I will get out of it---you would think that this newfound evidence would make it easy for me, but it hasn't. I'm working on living with my dire need for exercise--which I enjoy, and the 'sugar allergy' (because essentially, that's what it is!)--the latter being not so enjoyable.

So, my point:
I've spent so much time, for so long, making sure I was even capable of being a mom, that I barely spent more than the required time actually being one. (And maybe I have some unrealistic expectations of what being a mom entails, but the only way to know how those will play out is to travel into the future and listen to my kids' therapy sessions....haha...so JK-I am also working on removing expectations from my life entirely! B/C if you listen to your local life coach you will know that expectations are not helpful).

This little revelation opened my mind up---or rather, tore it open--- and made me see that I have been making excuses for myself:

• I'm fat b/c of getting pregnant and my body is messed up from having 3 c-sections
• Being a mom is not fun and neither is spending all day with little kids 
• All I do in my life is clean up messes made by other people
• I'm too tired to do anything b/c my kids didn't sleep much last night
• My brain chemistry is off b/c I experienced pregnancy
• I don't have a career b/c I have young children
• My car is a wasteland b/c I have kids
• I dress like a slob b/c I don't have anywhere to go or anyone to see
• None of this motherhood stuff is what I ever expected, nor is it what I signed up for
• I want to quit. I deserve a break or a vacation...I have to work 24/7 for no pay or appreciation
• ETC. ETC.
• Poor, Poor me.

Do you see this???! Most of these were never direct admissions or thoughts, but if I'm honest with myself they were all part of the problem somewhere in there--and I'm sure there are plenty more that I haven't really thought of consciously yet. In reality, they don't matter. What matters is that I got to the root of the problem. MY THOUGHTS. These thoughts led me to feel like a victim of motherhood without even realizing it. All of this may be why I'm so easily prone to bonding with sarcastic (sadistic?) jokes about moms and motherhood. I've been swimming in my very own private pool of victimhood. Who knows how many other moms that I might have inadvertently dragged into my cesspool for a brief swim???!---- BUT now that I realize all of this, I'm experiencing a bit of shame....and humility.... and relief.

I can only thank God for reminding me that I am not a victim of motherhood. He knew that I needed to know this right now and that my mind was open to hearing it. I think that He also saw that I'm finally figuring out how to help heal my mind and body (even if it is REALLY hard) so I'm able to hear this message.

When I think this thought: I am not a victim of motherhood, very different thoughts come to mind:

• My body created three beautiful humans and I became a mother
• Even if I had never given birth to children I would still have the innate calling of motherhood through my role as a Daughter of God, a woman.
• I survived the newborn stage three separate times
• I have chosen to stay home with my children
• There is power in motherhood--divinely given.
• I have the privilege to stay home with my children (and even when I work I'm still a good mom)
• Motherhood hasn't caused my problems in life
• I wanted to have children and be a mom my entire life--And now I'm livin' the dream!
• These little humans are a part of me! What a gift that God gave to me!!
• I'm not a victim-I have power. I get to choose EVERY SINGLE DAY to do this hard job, and I want to do it. I am capable of doing it.
• Motherhood is a gift. (The grass only appears to be greener on the other side.)
• Being a mother isn't who I am, but it's a part of my job here on Earth. And it's a pretty great one.
• "Mommin" isn't something that you do a few hours a day, it's an eternal commitment--and one that I agreed to before I even conceived my first child. And one that I rejoiced in.
• Nobody forces me to wake up and do 'the mom thing'--I choose to do it at all hours of the day and night because I want to! 
• Being a 'mom' isn't the same thing as 'motherhood'

You see?? More than any of these statements, my new mantra invokes feelings that are so strong I can't even put them into words.

I'm so far from perfect in my eternally significant role as a Mother. And you know what? That's okay. I'm not supposed to be perfect--God knew that long before I figured it out. He also knew that my children needed me to be their imperfect Mother in order to help them to become the imperfect parents that they will one day be. And the cycle will continue forward.

I have many, many goals and things that I want to work on (and need to work on and am in the process of working on) as I move forward in my journey of motherhood. As I struggled through the beginning and even now as I keep enduring, I see that all along I have had the most important tool---Love. The love from and for my Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and for the children that I have been given temporary stewardship over-- to raise and rear in righteousness (to the best of my ability!).

I get to choose to love them every single day.

I get to choose.

That's the thing about being a victim--when you're a victim, things happen to you.

Me? I choose that things happen for me because I am not a victim.

And Motherhood happened for me.